Drawing a blank…

A7902E2C-731B-4520-8590-27348B742860Some days writing comes natural. I know what topic that I am supposed to write about, and words just spew onto the page.

Today is not one of those days.

I knew when waking up that God was giving me a word to speak, but that word has not come to mind. I have typed over and over again, erasing sentence and paragraphs, trying to figure out exactly how to share what God was placing on my heart.

It’s been about a month since I last posted, and over the past month there have been so many moments that I knew I should share. Times where God was speaking directly to me, moments where I knew the things He was sharing was not just for me, but maybe for someone who was reading this blog.

These things are not coming to mind. God is speaking to me, but as I try to share these words my fingers draw a blank.

Have you been in that spot, a spot where you know God is speaking to you, and you are just sitting there with elephant ears trying to hear that tiny whisper. Or maybe its the noise around you that you are trying to block out so you can hear his shout over the chaos.

It’s one thing knowing that God is talking to you, but an entirely different thing to actually hear His voice. What is He saying to you, what is He impressing on your heart. Are you listening, I mean really listening.  Not listening like a 2 year old listens, shaking their head in agreement without understanding the language, but actively trying to hear His voice.

Over this past month or so of my life, I have found  myself getting busy. I have events to plan, people to meet with, project to complete, and in the midst of it trying to complete Stranger Things Season 2 before someone spoils the ending. In the midst of the Chaos I sometimes find myself as the 2 year old as I sit with the Lord, listening, but not comprehending. I get distracted, running from one thing to another, allowing God to spend time with me, but not spending time with Him. Even ministry can become a distraction.

I am reminded that I must take that time to listen. Even as I write this I am being reminded that the reason I write these posts is not to share what I want, but to share what God is trying to get across to me.

Sometimes, I draw a blank. Sometimes, I am realizing, I come to a place of silence so that I can direct my ears toward the small whisper showing me that I am His, that He has everything in His control, and I just need to listen walking in obedience to Him.

How do we listen:

  1. We must be in conversation with Him!
  2. We need to not only pray, but spend time in the word, HIS WORD!
  3. We must set time aside where HE is the focus.
    1. Are you just allowing Him to be a small part of your life, or are you giving Him your life.

God, may we be a people who seek out your voice. May we listen to You, spending time with You in Your Word, spending time listening to Your Voice. God may we be willing to readjust our perspective when we feel like you are not there, may we direct our attention toward your small whisper. Amen



Blame the muscle relaxer :) 

Updates on my life: 
It’s been a few weeks since I last posted, and to be completely honest, I don’t really have a great excuse for that. 
God has been showing me so much these past few weeks, and I haven’t really known where to start writing. I am going to focus on two things in this post. 1st I want to update those not living day to day life with me on what is going on. 2nd I want to share what God is teaching me right now, and how he is working on me in the little things. 

First things first. Life update. 
This past month has been insane. Insane in that I feel like God is doing more in me and through me than I could have expected. This past month has also been crazy that I have been rear ended twice in a 5 day period, both in different cars, and am just trying to make it through this thing called life. 
I am going to blame any inconsistencies in my writing on the muscle relaxers that are helping me get through the pain that is currently residing in my lower back, even though I am trying my hardest to take them as little as possible. 
Following up a week of being rear ended twice, both while stopped at red lights, I was also brought to a place of humility as my two remaining pairs of jeans ripped one day after another. 
I realize that ripped jeans aren’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but when you are on a ministry budget, trying to pay off student loans, all while trying to eat healthier than top ramen for most meals, it is not going to go down as a highlight of this past month. 
I always remember looking at adults as having it all together, and now as an almost 29 year old, I am wondering when that happens. Praise the Lord for Old Navy and their amazing clearance sales they were having as I ran to the mall 15 minutes before my ministry team showed up last Wednesday night. (Hallelujah) 
As life has tossed me lemons, and more lemons, I have wondered when I was going to get some lemonade. 
Second: What God is showing me. 
God is showing me that HE is faithful. Sure my back is in pain, and I had to buy some clothes that were not in my budget at all, I am seeing how God is showing me to be more dependent on HIM. 
It’s a crazy thought, because God has been showing me that for 2 years now, and I keep thinking there is nothing else I can give up, but He is showing me there is so much more that I am trying to hold on to. 
God is showing me that even the little things I am trying to hold on to are not my own. He is showing me that my finances are not my own, which includes my debt. 
Student loans have overwhelmed me for the past 4 years, always wondering how I will ever get them paid off. I spent a day last month with God talking to Him about my finances and giving Him all that I make, that my finances will be used for His kingdom, and that I will seek Him in what I do with it. As I spent this day with Him, i began that these past 4 years of worry, which to be honest, is still there a bit, working on giving the worry up, is honestly done in waste. 
God used Simpson to bring me to Redding, which means, He used those loans to get me to Redding. I am in no way advocating large amounts of debt, and I am in no way encouraging anyone to take out large amounts of debt, but I know that God used this to get me to a place of dependence on HIM and He is in control of these loans. 
It stresses me out knowing that I have to pay half of what I make each month to loan companies, but I also know that in my 29ish years of living, He has taken care of me each and every day. 
God is showing me that I need to ask HIM for my wants and needs, that I need to converse with Him daily about my struggles, that this pain I am walking through, it’s nothing to HIM and that even this He has control over. He is showing me that He is my GOD, and that HE is so much greater that I can ever Imagine. 
I am a work in progress, and this post, is messy with bad grammar and punctuation, but I feel like that represents my life right now, not a lot of punctuation, some interesting grammar, and a dependence on GOD to get me through the day. 

I realize this post is not supper happy or encouraging, but I want to be real, God has given me a passion to share my heart, and I am realizing that includes the mess. I am just so thankful that I have HIM walking in front of me, with HIS hand holding my hand letting me know its all going to be okay.